The Magic Black Book

Student. 21. London. Get Stable or Die Trying.



The stream will cease to flow;
The wind will cease to blow;
The clouds will cease to fleet;
The heart will cease to beat;
For all things must die.
All things must die.
Spring will come never more.
O, vanity!
Death waits at the door.
See! our friends are all forsaking
The wine and the merrymaking.
We are call’d–we must go.
Laid low, very low,
In the dark we must lie.
The merry glees are still;
The voice of the bird
Shall no more be heard,
Nor the wind on the hill.
O, misery!
Hark! death is calling
While I speak to ye,
The jaw is falling,
The red cheek paling,
The strong limbs failing;
Ice with the warm blood mixing;
The eyeballs fixing.
Nine times goes the passing bell:
Ye merry souls, farewell.
The old earth
Had a birth,
As all men know,
Long ago.
And the old earth must die.
So let the warm winds range,
And the blue wave beat the shore;
For even and morn
Ye will never see
Thro’ eternity.
All things were born.
Ye will come never more,
For all things must die.


Let your fiction grow out of the land beneath your feet.
Willa Cather, circa 1912

Now I have touched the autumn of my mind…

My youth was a dark storm,
Crossed here and there by brilliant suns;
Thunder and rain have caused such quick ravage
That there remain in my garden very few red fruits.


“Your final degree classification has been confirmed as Upper Second Class Honours (2:1) Congratulations.”

I am not sure how I feel about this. Will post thoughts later. But just had to let my followers know my final result since you’ve been with me through the ups and downs of my university journey. The blogosphere knows my result before my parents do. Ha! But yes, I can now update my CV and write BA Hons after my name. How funny.

Much love from Cyprus.


Today is my last full day at university.

I am moving back to north London tomorrow morning.

Quick question… WHERE THE FUCK DID THREE YEARS GO?!?!!?!??!?!!

This is horrible. My meagre possessions stuffed into supermarket plastic bags. 200 books rammed into a broken suitcase. One box of kitchen stuff and one box of bathroom stuff. A bin-bag with my pillows and duvet in (had to throw away the actual bedding, covered in blood stains and cigarette burns).

Is this what my life amounts to? These bags? These boxes? My world packed up.

I don’t like this one bit. Today, I have to do all the admin shit. Tying up loose ends as it were. Currently sending emails trying to wangle my way out of paying my library fines- I just can’t afford it. Need to drop a couple of ‘thank you’ cards into the Health Card for S, the nurses S and P and the CPN. Dr T is NOT getting a card. Need to email some of the academics in the English department and thank them for everything. Need to return library books. Need to rent graduation gown. Need to see J and C for a final goodbye drink. Still haven’t seen O.C so need to see him before I go. Need to say goodbye to all the staff in the college shop who have been serving me cigarettes for three years. Need to do online check-in and print off boarding passes for my flight on Tuesday since nobody in my family owns a printer and I still have printer credits on my card. Need to send off a couple of job applications. Need to find out about alumni funding. JESUS CHRIST, SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME.

This is weird, I don’t like it.

Promising your friends that you’ll see each other soon and visit each other all over the country, but knowing full well that you will never see each other again. It’s a weird feeling, all the lies, and false hope, and broken promises.

I am looking out of my window. I will miss this view so much. The view of the forest that I walk through once, twice, three times a day.

Luckily, I got given 2 MONTHS OF MEDS!! By some miracle, I can’t believe they actually agreed to it, that they actually trust me. They didn’t trust me with diazepam obviously, so only gave me two weeks worth. But it’s better than nothing!

Priadel 200mg modified-release (56) tablets, 1 daily
Priadel 400mg modified-release (56) tablets, 1 daily
Venlafaxine 150mg modified-release (112) tablets, 2 daily
Venlafaxine 75mg modified-release (56) tablets, 1 daily
Propranolol 40mg (168) tablets, 3 daily
Diazepam 5mg (28) tablets, 2 daily

Wow I didn’t realise I take 10 tabs a day, it seems like less than that. Guess I’m used to it. After all, I have been on meds for 8 years. So, tomorrow I’m going to the biggest pharmacy in north London and I’m gonna clear them out. They definitely won’t have everything in stock so I’ll have to wait a day or two, but I should have them by Monday, before I leave for Cyprus.

So, 476 tablets all in all. It’s like the Health Centre have picked up an Overdose and placed it into my hands. And I’m holding it, reluctantly, and looking down at it like, ‘Hey…… Erm……. It’s not gonna happen, mate. Sorry. Me and you.. We’re just… Not meant to be. I’m sorry. Maybe some other time.’ And so I drop Overdose onto the floor and walk away. That is what I have done, what I am doing. I am taking one month of meds with me to Cyprus (I am there for 28 days) and leaving the rest under the care of my mother.

Okay I’d better crack on. So much to do, so little time.

The end of an era.

*throws up*


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