The Magic Black Book

Student. 20. London. Get Stable or Die Trying.

Can’t or Won’t?

Today is Monday. I have not taken a photo for #100HappyDays since Friday. Because nothing has made me happy.

I have therefore decided to terminate my participation in the challenge, quite simply because I tried searching for daily happiness, I tried real hard, but it just doesn’t exist where I am at the moment.

I posed the question a few weeks ago: How long can a bipolar sufferer be happy for? It appears that my personal answer is 23 days. Then comes the inevitable crash, the inevitable burn.

I have been being silly with my medication. I have not been eating, so have not been taking my meds in the evening with a meal as I always do. So I’m suffering from medication withdrawal really badly, the shakes, the sweats, the nausea, the unbearable, the unstable. I feel totally messed up. Need to go to the chemist tomorrow and get some more Valium and Lithium cos I’m all out. As of tomorrow, medication resumes its normal course.

I have lost 7lbs in 10 days. I have bitten all of my nails off. I am stressed and tired and anxious.

I do not know what I want.

I am really struggling with my uni work. There is too much to do and not enough time. Not enough words. Not enough energy.

You will have noticed that I haven’t published a poem for over 3 weeks now. That’s because I haven’t written anything. Nothing. Not a single verse. And for that I am sorry.

I cannot write. The words don’t come. Everything has been said. Everything has been done. There is nothing left to write.

#23HappyDays

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#100HappyDays

Spent the afternoon with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. We had Thai food, drank rum, and watched Monsters University.

Then I came back to my own university, took lots of sleeping pills and crashed out. But not before discovering this drunken injury..

Used, abused, bruised.

#22HappyDays

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#100HappyDays

Round Two of my birthday celebrations. Raving at a club in Kings Cross.

Here’s me and my little brother very drunk at Southgate station.

xxx

#21HappyDays

The day after my 21st birthday was the saddest day of my life. Depressed and alone, I spent 16 hours sitting on the floor in the dark, contemplating jumping off my mother’s roof.

Earlier in the day I was given an Alice in Wonderland mug as a gift:

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#20HappyDays

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#100HappyDays

Daddy and I on my 21st birthday.

My hero, my inspiration, my best friend: the only man I need.

#19HappyDays

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Meeting the ex-mother-in-law. At least I have nice hair. Does your new girlfriend have nice hair? No.

 

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