The Magic Black Book

Student. 20. London. Get Stable or Die Trying.

Can’t or Won’t?

Today is Monday. I have not taken a photo for #100HappyDays since Friday. Because nothing has made me happy.

I have therefore decided to terminate my participation in the challenge, quite simply because I tried searching for daily happiness, I tried real hard, but it just doesn’t exist where I am at the moment.

I posed the question a few weeks ago: How long can a bipolar sufferer be happy for? It appears that my personal answer is 23 days. Then comes the inevitable crash, the inevitable burn.

I have been being silly with my medication. I have not been eating, so have not been taking my meds in the evening with a meal as I always do. So I’m suffering from medication withdrawal really badly, the shakes, the sweats, the nausea, the unbearable, the unstable. I feel totally messed up. Need to go to the chemist tomorrow and get some more Valium and Lithium cos I’m all out. As of tomorrow, medication resumes its normal course.

I have lost 7lbs in 10 days. I have bitten all of my nails off. I am stressed and tired and anxious.

I do not know what I want.

I am really struggling with my uni work. There is too much to do and not enough time. Not enough words. Not enough energy.

You will have noticed that I haven’t published a poem for over 3 weeks now. That’s because I haven’t written anything. Nothing. Not a single verse. And for that I am sorry.

I cannot write. The words don’t come. Everything has been said. Everything has been done. There is nothing left to write.




Spent the afternoon with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. We had Thai food, drank rum, and watched Monsters University.

Then I came back to my own university, took lots of sleeping pills and crashed out. But not before discovering this drunken injury..

Used, abused, bruised.





Round Two of my birthday celebrations. Raving at a club in Kings Cross.

Here’s me and my little brother very drunk at Southgate station.



The day after my 21st birthday was the saddest day of my life. Depressed and alone, I spent 16 hours sitting on the floor in the dark, contemplating jumping off my mother’s roof.

Earlier in the day I was given an Alice in Wonderland mug as a gift:






Daddy and I on my 21st birthday.

My hero, my inspiration, my best friend: the only man I need.



Meeting the ex-mother-in-law. At least I have nice hair. Does your new girlfriend have nice hair? No.



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